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Every year, thousands of turtle hatchlings emerge from their nests and struggle their way across the sand on tiny flippers, hopeful, yearning, and doomed. New research suggests that the baby turtles’ journey from nest to sea is almost certainly a suicide mission, according to scientists.

“It’s less a journey and more of a slow and cutesy death march,” states Dr. Sandra Heimlich, lead researcher of turtles, giant squid, and other marine stuff. “In scientific terms, these baby turtles are screwed,” she adds.

This discovery turns the throngs of people who gather to watch the turtles march to their death into practitioners of a macabre ritual, rather than the inspirational nature video we thought.

“We tracked 3,000 hatchlings over a six-week period,” said Helms. “Two made it. One was immediately eaten by a seagull. The other was hit by a paddleboard and is now technically still alive but deeply traumatized and legally blind.”

Despite the bleak odds, the turtles continue this Sisyphean task with a kind of blind optimism that the scientific community describes as “bafflingly stupid—like they want to die.”

Several interventions have been proposed, including airlifting hatchlings directly to the sea. However, local beachgoers pushed back, citing concerns that "the struggle is what makes them strong," and also, "I like the little flipper guys."

Still, some conservationists remain hopeful.“It’s important that we do everything we can to help these tiny reptiles,” said local volunteer and turtle doula, Marsha Bellamy. “Last year I named 86 of them. I have no idea what happened to them, but I think one reincarnated as as and dollar.”

At press time, another batch of hatchlings was seen emerging from a nest on St. Pete Beach. One immediately wandered the wrong direction.

“They never stood a chance,” Heimlich muttered. “But damn if they’re not cute doing it.”

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