ST. PETERSBURG, FL — In a stunning confession that has both rocked the meteorological community and validated years of conspiracy theories, a group of St. Petersburg meteorologists admitted Monday that every hurricane name in recent memory has been inspired by one of their bitter ex-wives.

“We tried to play it off like there was some big, international list,” said National Weather Service forecaster Dan Whitmore, swirling a glass of bourbon at 11 a.m. “But truth is, every time I see a tropical depression form, I think, ‘Yup, that’s a Cheryl if I’ve ever seen one. Slow-moving, unpredictable, and guaranteed to destroy everything in its path.’”

Colleagues confirmed the practice has been an open secret for years.

“You think Hurricane Karen was a coincidence?” said meteorologist Gary Lopez, rolling his eyes. “She literally called me a worthless storm chaser the night before we put her name on the list. Felt right.”

The admissions shed new light on storms like Hurricane Irma, which forecasters admitted was named after Whitmore’s second wife, who once drove his Honda Civic into Tampa Bay “out of spite.”

Public reaction has been mixed. Some residents expressed outrage, while others said the practice actually made hurricanes easier to understand.

“Honestly, it helps me prepare,” said St. Pete resident Marissa Gibbons. “Like, if it’s Hurricane Brenda, I already know to barricade the windows and expect passive-aggressive texts until power is restored.”

When asked whether future storms would continue to bear the names of failed relationships, Whitmore sighed. “We’re running out of exes at this point. But don’t worry—we’ve still got a couple Susans and a Donna left in the tank. After that, I guess we’ll just start naming them after our mothers-in-law.”

At press time, meteorologists were reportedly monitoring a brewing storm in the Atlantic they had already nicknamed “Hurricane Janet the Soul-Sucker.”

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