PINELLAS COUNTY — Despite repeated assurances that they are “not counting,” residents participating in Dry January appear to be engaging in what experts would describe as advanced prison math, according to observations made across Pinellas County throughout the first half of the month.

Participants insist the month is “going fine” and that they’re “not even thinking about it,” while also being able to tell you exactly how many days remain, how many weekends are left, and whether February 1 falls on a weekday without hesitation.

“They’re not counting days,” said one St. Pete bartender. “They’re counting time served.”

Dry January participants were most frequently observed breaking the month into smaller, more manageable units, including “just one more workweek,” “after this weekend,” and “once we get past Martin Luther King Jr. Day.” Several individuals were also seen recalculating their progress upon realizing January has 31 days.

Ordering behavior has also shifted. Participants typically request soda water with lime quickly and confidently, as if saying it out loud might make it easier. Some added cranberry juice “for color,” though witnesses reported this did not materially change the experience.

When asked how Dry January is going, participants often responded with a brief statement followed by a longer explanation than originally intended. Common phrases included “reset,” “just proving I can,” and “honestly, it’s kind of nice,” usually delivered while staring at someone else’s drink.

By mid-January, references to February began appearing in conversation, framed carefully and hypothetically. Statements like “I’m not saying I’m going crazy in February” and “once February hits” were reported, though no one would clarify what that meant.

Despite claims that no plans are being made, sources confirmed most participants already know where their first drink will be, what it will be, and who they’ll be with. Several referred to it not as drinking again, but as “re-entry.”

At press time, multiple Dry January participants were observed insisting they were “in no rush,” while quietly checking calendars and nodding to themselves, having successfully completed another day.

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