TALLAHASSEE, FL — In a historic legislative move that has left scientists, retailers, and coupon enthusiasts scratching their heads, Florida has officially abandoned the imperial and metric systems, adopting an entirely new standard of measurement based on the average length of a CVS receipt.

Under the new law, distances, heights, and even weights will be expressed in “Floridian Feet,” a unit equivalent to the length of a standard CVS receipt printed after a moderate shopping trip. According to the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, that’s roughly 3.2 feet of paper, not including the “bonus coupon tail.”

Governor Ron “Buy One Get One” DeSantis signed the bill into law yesterday, calling it “a uniquely Floridian solution to a uniquely American problem: measurement confusion.”

Everyday Conversions Now More… Printable

To help residents adjust, the state has issued a quick conversion guide:

• 1 yard = 0.94 Floridian Feet (depending on whether you bought gum).
• 1 mile = 1,650 Floridian Feet or approximately three hours of scrolling through loyalty program offers.
• 1 gallon of milk = “About half a receipt,” according to state spokespeople.

Shoppers are now encouraged to keep a receipt in their wallets as an emergency ruler. In some towns, Home Depot has already replaced tape measures with CVS self-checkout kiosks.

Economists Weigh In

While some worry the new system will complicate trade, Florida’s Department of Commerce insists it will actually boost the economy. “Every measurement taken now supports local businesses,” said policy director Pete Pierson. “You want to measure your new couch? Better buy some shampoo and Tic Tacs first.”

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