EVERGLADES, FL — In its latest plan to crowdsource basic ecosystem management, the State of Florida is once again inviting everyday citizens to “take on nature’s longest middle finger” in the 2025 Florida Python Challenge, a month-long event in which unqualified volunteers are encouraged to plunge into alligator-infested wetlands and physically wrestle invasive Burmese pythons into submission.

“Think of it as a civic duty, like voting,” said Florida Wildlife Commission spokesperson Dana Mills, pausing briefly to dislodge a python from the engine block of her state-issued airboat. “Anyone with a pulse and a warped sense of invincibility is welcome.”

The competition, which offers a cash prize of up to $10,000, pits residents, influencers, conspiracy theorists, and midlife crises against cold-blooded, highly adaptable apex predators that can grow up to 20 feet long and have no natural enemies — except, apparently, Gary from Fort Myers in board shorts and Crocs.

“Last year I caught one with a pool skimmer and a Slim Jim,” boasted Gary “Gator Nutz” Henderson, who has entered every year since 2014 and has lost two fingers, a toe, and three marriages to the challenge. “This ain’t about money. This is about revenge.”

Burmese pythons, which exotic pet owners introduced, have decimated native wildlife in the Everglades. Rather than increase funding for scientific intervention, Florida officials decided the best approach was “lightly regulated snake vigilantism.”

The rules are simple: bring your own gear, don’t get eaten, and post everything on Instagram. “We strongly encourage participants to kill humanely,” said Mills, who is particular to slowly strangling snakes. "Constrict them like they constrict," Mills laughs.

PETA has condemned the event, calling it “a grotesque spectacle of violence,” while the Florida Governor responded by posting a shirtless selfie strangling a python with an American flag and captioning it: “Don’t Tread on Me.”

Despite obvious safety concerns, the Python Challenge remains wildly popular. Registration is at an all-time high, fueled by patriotism, swamp fever, and the promise of financial reward.

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