ST. PETERSBURG, FL — Following the passage of Florida’s sweeping open-carry laws, city officials herald the ribbon cutting of The Broken Spur, a fully operational Wild West-style saloon where armed patrons are strongly encouraged to settle disputes by smashing whiskey bottles, flipping poker tables, and dramatically falling off upper-level banisters.

“Citizens have the constitutional right to carry firearms openly,” said St. Petersburg mayor, while ceremoniously cutting a rope that dropped a player piano into action. “And what better way to honor that freedom than by restoring a saloon where every heated discussion about cattle rights or the local school board meeting can escalate into a slow-motion gunfight, followed by someone being hurled through the swinging doors into the street?”

The establishment reportedly spares no detail in its authenticity: sawdust floors to soak up blood, a roulette wheel that stops only when shot, and sturdy yet conveniently collapsible oak tables designed to shatter the moment a drunk ranch hand is thrown onto them.

“It’s about preserving heritage,” said bar owner “Whiskey” Jim Callahan, adjusting his handlebar mustache while polishing a glass with a rag that hasn’t been washed since 1876. “When two men disagree about whether the Rays should leave Tropicana Field, they don’t just tweet angrily. They stare each other down in silence until one says, ‘Draw.’ That’s community.”

Local police have already announced they will be replacing standard reports with parchment “Wanted” posters and encourage residents to resolve minor disputes with a high-stakes poker game that will inevitably end with someone being shot in the hat.

City leaders stressed the saloon will boost tourism, attract “cowpoke millennials” looking for authentic Instagram content, and provide at least 14 new jobs for “town drunks who dramatically fly over railings.”

“This isn’t just a bar,” said the Mayor, holding back tears as a man crashed through a second-floor banister behind him. “This is freedom.”

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