Declaring it “non-negotiable” and “for everyone’s safety,” family officials confirmed Thursday that the household’s self-described “fun uncle” was once again assigned to the kids’ table for the third year in a row, a decision that has effectively forced him to consume multiple bottles of Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider in rapid succession.

Witnesses say the 38-year-old uncle, who arrived wearing a holiday sweater with ironic profanity and immediately asked, “So where’s the bar situation?”, was gently but firmly redirected away from the adult table and seated between a sticky iPad and a child explaining Minecraft lore at full volume.

“He knows why this happened,” said one family member. “We all know why this happened.”

With no alcohol permitted at the kids’ table following “The 2021 Incident,” the uncle was reportedly seen cracking his fourth Martinelli’s before appetizers were served, referring to it as “basically champagne if you don’t think too hard about it.”

“I’m still fun,” the uncle insisted while pouring cider into a wine glass he brought from home “out of principle.” “This is just grape-based resilience.”

Observers noted that while the uncle attempted to maintain morale by teaching the children inappropriate card tricks and explaining why their parents’ music is “objectively bad,” the situation grew more tense as his father — seated at the adult table — stared silently in his direction.

Sources confirm the uncle’s father spent the entire meal aggressively cutting his steak into impossibly small pieces while maintaining unbroken eye contact with his son, occasionally pausing to exhale sharply through his nose.

“That look says everything,” said a nearby aunt. “It says, ‘I raised you better,’ and also, ‘Don’t you dare stand up.’”

Despite repeated attempts to migrate back to the adult table under the guise of “just grabbing another cider” or “checking on the gravy situation,” the uncle was intercepted each time and redirected to his seat by a cousin acting as unofficial security.

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