URL copied to clipboard!

Kayakers Demand Refund After Bioluminescence Tour Turns Out to Be Glowing Red Tide

ST. PETERSBURG, FL — A group of tourists is demanding refunds from a St. Petersburg kayak company after discovering that the spectacular red glow illuminating the waters around Weedon Island during their nighttime bioluminescence tour was apparently a previously unknown strain of red tide.

The discovery came after several participants reported hearing a faint moaning sound emanating from the water, two kayaks began deteriorating and a small fish repeatedly attempted to climb aboard one of the vessels.

Moonlight Paddle Adventures, which charged $89 per person for the two-hour excursion, maintains that the tour fulfilled its advertised promise of an unforgettable encounter with glowing marine life.

"Everybody saw glowing water," said company owner Derek Whitcomb. "Our website never specified that the organisms responsible had to be friendly."

According to participants, the excursion began normally around 8 p.m., when their guide led eight kayaks into a sheltered inlet and instructed guests to gently stir the water with their paddles.

The resulting illumination was immediate and spectacular. Each paddle stroke produced brilliant crimson streaks that spread across the surface, leaving long, pulsing trails of red light behind the kayaks.

"It was absolutely beautiful," said Ohio tourist Melissa Garner. "For about six minutes, we thought we'd discovered the most amazing thing in Florida."

The group's enthusiasm began to fade when Garner's husband, Todd, noticed a low, sustained moaning coming from beneath his kayak.

"It sounded like the ocean was in despair," Garner said. "Which seemed unusual for a recreational activity."

The moaning was soon accompanied by persistent coughing among the participants. Several kayakers complained of burning eyes, irritated throats and an increasingly powerful odor that their guide initially attributed to "the natural complexity of the marine environment."

The situation deteriorated when one participant noticed that the blade of his rental paddle had become unusually soft. Within minutes, the plastic had developed the consistency of a warm tortilla, and several inches of the blade separated and sank into the glowing water.

Another kayaker reported that the bottom of her vessel had become translucent, allowing her to see the crimson organisms pulsing beneath her feet.

"I asked the guide if my kayak was melting," she said. "He told us the boats were designed to be biodegradable, which seemed like a strange feature to activate while we were still using them."

The group's concerns intensified when a small pufferfish surfaced beside Garner's kayak, looked directly at her and repeatedly attempted to jump into the cockpit.

"It was adorable," she recalled. "This tiny little fish with enormous eyes, practically begging us to pick him up."

Garner lifted the fish into the kayak, where it remained motionless for several seconds before appearing to regain its composure. She named it Kevin.

Moments later, Garner was overcome by a violent coughing fit that ended with her vomiting over the side of the kayak. The sight caused her husband to vomit, followed almost immediately by Kevin, who expelled a surprisingly large quantity of partially digested shrimp onto Todd's shorts.

"That's when we decided to head back," Garner said. "Kevin seemed to agree."

By that point, the guide had abandoned his prepared narration about dinoflagellates and was using his phone to search for information about whether red tide could dissolve polyethylene.

Researchers at the fictional Gulf Coast Institute for Harmful Algal Advancement have provisionally designated the organism Karenia brevis lamentosa, citing its unusual luminescence, apparent corrosive properties and tendency to produce low-frequency vocalizations.

Institute researcher Dr. Elaine Mercer said preliminary observations suggest the organism may represent an entirely new category of harmful algal bloom.

"Traditional red tide causes respiratory irritation and fish kills," Mercer explained. "This one appears to have developed additional capabilities, including acoustic communication and a fairly aggressive attitude toward plastics."

Whitcomb has since updated the company's website to advertise the excursion as the world's first interactive bioluminescent red tide experience, increasing the ticket price to $249 to reflect its scientific rarity and the rising cost of equipment.

The redesigned tour will feature stainless steel kayaks and paddles, industrial respirators and a complimentary five-gallon bucket for each passenger.

Local tourism consultant Brenda Malloy praised the company's ability to adapt to environmental conditions.

"Florida tourism has always depended on turning things that happen here into things people pay to see," Malloy said. "Alligators, hurricanes, sinkholes. Derek has simply identified another underutilized natural resource."

Whitcomb said the company was also considering a seasonal subscription service allowing visitors to experience multiple environmental events throughout the year, including jellyfish blooms, sewage advisories and the occasional unexplained foam.

"We've learned a lot from this experience," Whitcomb said. "Mostly about materials science."

Garner said she remains determined to obtain a full refund, although her family has decided to keep Kevin, who appears to be recovering.

"He's doing much better," she said. "We bought him a little aquarium and he seems happy."

Garner added that Kevin has refused to enter the water since the incident and now sleeps on a folded towel beside the tank.

‍

Share
0
😂
Thanks for your comment! We’ll review it according to our guidelines
Submit
Thank you! We will review your comment per our guidelines and you will see it soon!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.
People are saying...
Be the first to comment!
Name

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Suspendisse varius enim in eros elementum tristique. Duis cursus, mi quis viverra.



A love letter to St. Pete written in memes, texts and suspiciously accurate satire.

Explore

MemesTextsStories

Our socials

FacebookInstagram

Say Hi!

Contact usSubmit contentPartner