Popular navigation apps Waze, Google Maps, and Apple Maps simultaneously issued apologies this week after being unable to produce accurate drive-time estimates for I-275, where the left (passing) lane was locked in a bumper-to-bumper nightmare while the right lanes remained emptier than a Clearwater bar on Monday morning.

“Normally our systems account for congestion, construction, or flaming alligators in the road,” said one Google engineer. “But when thousands of Floridians voluntarily sit in the passing lane for hours while ignoring two perfectly open lanes to the right, our algorithms break down. At this point, drive time estimates range anywhere from 20 minutes to two days, depending on which lane is used in the estimate.”

Navigation tools are reportedly stuck in a constant loop of “Recalculating…” messages, with some users claiming their app began to actually mumble 'move the %^$! over' aloud before crashing entirely.

One local commuter, Greg Thompson, finally cracked after two hours of motionless misery and decided to switch lanes. Unfortunately, his instincts betrayed him: “I thought, ‘That’s it, I’m done,’” Thompson said. “So I boldly steered into the breakdown lane on the far left, because it literally never occurred to me that I could just… move to the right, where there weren’t any cars.” Witnesses confirm Thompson zipped past two miles of traffic before blowing out a tire on a hubcap shrine to Florida Man.

Meanwhile, the right lanes remain pristine and unused, a glittering oasis that traffic experts say could cut travel times by 90 percent if a single driver dared to merge into them. “But they won’t,” one FDOT spokesperson admitted. “In Florida, the right lane is like Bigfoot — people have heard rumors, but no one’s ever actually driven there.”

At press time, Apple Maps had reclassified the passing lane as “Scenic Route” and officials are considering making it a toll lane because they believe proceeds could be great enough to buy Cuba.

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