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Old Northeast Drivers Now Settle Right-Of-Way Disputes With High-Stakes Games Of Chicken

ST. PETERSBURG, FL — With brick streets jammed and one-ways funneling drivers directly into each other, residents of St. Pete’s Old Northeast neighborhood have adopted an unspoken new rule of the road: whoever survives a high-speed game of chicken gets the right of way.

“Every trip to the grocery store is basically Thunderdome now,” said resident Kyle Morrison, whose 2012 Corolla is missing both mirrors and the entire front bumper. “If you flinch, you’re going backward three blocks over uneven bricks while the winner coasts forward triumphantly at five miles an hour.”

Locals say the games begin the moment two vehicles spot each other barreling down the same narrow lane. Both drivers accelerate, clutching their steering wheels as the bricks rattle their fillings loose, until one panics and jerks onto a lawn, a driveway, or in one case directly into a decorative fountain. “The adrenaline rush is the only thing that gets me to Publix anymore,” said retiree Barbara Jensen. “Last week I beat a Tesla. The neighborhood clapped.”

Preservationists defend the system, claiming it reflects the neighborhood’s rugged heritage. “These bricks were laid in the 1920s, when men were men and traffic laws were optional,” said historian Patrick Allen. “Back then, you didn’t ask who had the right of way — you proved it with your insurance deductible.”

City officials admit the situation has escalated but insist they lack the authority to intervene.

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