CLEARWATER, FL — In a ruling legal analysts are calling “deeply confusing but technically binding,” a Pinellas County civil court judge issued a formal opinion Thursday stating that residents “can dance if they want to,” but clarified firmly that “under no circumstances may they leave their friends behind.”

Judge Marjorie Ellsworth delivered the decision while presiding over a minor dispute between two former roommates who allegedly parted ways after one went out dancing without the other. The case, originally filed as an argument over unpaid utility bills, escalated when the plaintiff claimed emotional damages on the grounds that they had been “left behind” in violation of what they described as “Florida’s implied social loyalty statute.”

Judge Ellsworth agreed in part.

“While Florida does not regulate dancing, nor the desire to dance,” the ruling read, “there is a reasonable expectation that if one chooses to dance, one’s friends must not be abandoned, disregarded, or otherwise classified as squares who don’t dance and therefore are no friends of mine.”

Courtroom attendees reported audible murmuring as Ellsworth continued, reading directly from a prepared statement that increasingly resembled song lyrics delivered with the gravitas of state law.

“You can dance,” she said, pausing. “You can dance. But you cannot — and I repeat, cannot — leave your friends behind. If your friends don’t dance, that is not justification to label them as people who aren’t friends of yours.”

The defendant’s attorney attempted to argue that his client’s friends “rarely danced, even when prompted,” and therefore could reasonably be excluded from certain social outings, but Ellsworth rejected the defense.

“That may be true,” the judge responded, “but the statute of vibes is clear.”

Outside the courthouse, both parties expressed mixed feelings.

“I feel seen,” said the plaintiff, who claimed that being left home while others danced at a downtown St. Pete bar constituted “psychological abandonment.” The defendant, visibly frustrated, said he planned to appeal on the grounds that “sometimes people don’t want to come out, and also it was karaoke night, not technically dancing.”

Legal experts say the ruling may have broader implications across Florida’s nightlife, including disputes involving club cover charges, awkward bachelorette party dynamics, and any future incidents involving friend groups splintering at Jannus Live after 11 p.m.

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