ST. PETE BEACH, FL — A new poll released this week confirmed what locals and tourists have long suspected: the seagulls of St. Pete Beach remain nature’s most annoying animal and, according to respondents, “big jerks.”

The poll, conducted by a regional coastal research group that reportedly “got tired of pretending this wasn’t true,” found that 92% of beachgoers ranked seagulls as the single most aggravating creature on Florida’s Gulf Coast, narrowly beating out mosquitoes, sandspurs, and that one guy who plays music from a Bluetooth speaker like it’s his civic duty.

“They’re not even hungry,” said visitor Michelle Reyes, who watched a seagull steal fries directly out of her beach chair cupholder. “They just want you to suffer.”

Witnesses report the birds continue to engage in a range of hostile behaviors including swooping, aggressive eye contact, calculated fry theft, and the loud, haunting cawing that sounds like an argument happening somewhere above your head.

“They’ll hover over you like you owe them money,” said one St. Pete Beach resident. “Then they steal your food like it’s legally theirs.”

The poll also confirmed that seagulls remain the only animal capable of turning a relaxing day at the beach into a tense, defensive posture where humans eat in crouched positions while shielding their plates with their forearms.

“I’ve never had to guard my lunch from a dolphin,” said local father Brian Matthews. “But I’ve had to square up against a seagull. More than once.”

Researchers noted that unlike many animals, seagulls show no signs of fear, shame, or self-awareness.

“They don’t just steal,” said Reyes. “They steal and then stare at you.”

The poll’s most commonly reported incident involved seagulls pooping on beachgoers, with 61% of respondents claiming they or someone nearby had been “hit” during a recent visit.

“It’s always right after you put sunscreen on,” said one man. “It’s like they wait.”

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