“Controlled chaos is the future of infrastructure,” officials say

St. Petersburg, FL — In a bold and confusing move to attract more visitors, the Florida Department of Transportation has unveiled a new “Bumper Car Lane” on the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, officially opening next week to coincide with peak tourist season and Mercury retrograde.

The 4.1-mile stretch—long known for its scenic views and mild existential dread—will now feature a designated lane where drivers are encouraged to lightly collide with each other “for fun and stress relief.” DOT officials say the new lane will be outfitted with rubber guardrails.

“This is about merging thrill-seeking with traffic relief,” said project lead Sherri Donahue, who previously designed the state’s infamous ‘Left-Lane Lounge’ on I-275. “Why should theme parks have all the fun? Let’s bring the joy of mild whiplash to our daily commute.”

Participants are only required to sign a waiver, purchase a $20 “Collision Pass,” and honk twice before ramming another vehicle. Electric vehicle owners will receive bonus points for silent impacts, while pickup trucks must reduce tire pressure “for bounce.” Florida Highway Patrol is reportedly “tired but supportive,” adding that they’ve always wanted to do something “less legal and more whimsical” with the Skyway.

“I already have PTSD from driving through Pinellas Park,” said longtime resident Carla Nguyen. “Now they want me to play bumper cars 200 feet in the air over shark-infested waters? Hard pass.” Meanwhile, city officials are framing the move as a natural evolution of St. Pete’s tourism brand: “artsy, eccentric, and slightly reckless.”

“We did murals. We did breweries. Now we do bridge bumper cars,” said Pete Pierson of the Tourism Bureau. “This is how we keep things weird without having to compete with Austin.”

If successful, the Skyway Bumper Lane could pave the way—literally—for other alternative travel experiences, including zipline lanes on the Gandy Bridge and a Build-Your-Own-Raft challenge on 4th Street after heavy rain. Until then, the city urges participants to drive with care, laugh through the crashes, and please remember: this lane is for light collisions only—no full sends.

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