ST. PETE BEACH, FL — Declaring that “no one on this sand-scorched hellscape has the motor skills for muddling,” bartenders at several popular St. Pete Beach bars confirmed Friday that they are, in fact, too hungover to make anyone a real cocktail, and patrons should expect either a canned seltzer, a warm rum punch pre-mixed in a cooler, or a cup of water if they “give attitude.”

“Look, I had six tequila shots, four jagers, and - well - I don;t count beers - last night and slept in my car behind Ricky T’s,” said beach bartender Tyler Morales, rubbing his temples and cracking open a White Claw without making eye contact. “You’re getting whatever I can open without puking, man."

Patrons across the beach confirmed the trend, reporting that bartenders at Caddy’s, Postcard Inn, and The Toasted Monkey all appeared visibly dehydrated, emotionally detached, and aggressively allergic to citrus.

“I asked for a piña colada and the guy handed me a Capri Sun with a warm vodka on the side and said, ‘It’s tropical adjacent,’” said tourist Lisa Myers, adding that she still tipped 25% because “you could tell he was suffering.”

The staff defended their minimalist approach, insisting that canned drinks “maintain consistency, efficiency, and the sanctity of the hangover.”
“Nobody’s out here zesting limes at 1 p.m. in the sun,” said bartender Jess Taylor, cooling off in the walk-in freezer. “You want a craft cocktail, go to Tampa. You want a half-conscious legend in board shorts to hand you a hard seltzer while he stares into the abyss of the Gulf? Welcome to paradise.”

Regulars claim the unspoken rules of etiquette are simple: don’t order anything that requires shaking, don’t look too hydrated, and tip heavily enough to discourage eye contact.
“They might give you ice if you slide a twenty across the bar and don’t make conversation,” said local patron Tony Daniels. “But ask for something with a garnish, and they’ll just go smoke in the alley until you leave.”

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