ST. PETERSBURG, FL — In a bold move hailed as a victory for democracy, the St. Petersburg City Council voted unanimously Tuesday night to dramatically increase the number of potholes across city streets, responding to what officials say is the clear and overwhelming will of the people.

Council members cited a recent survey in which 73% of residents reported feeling disoriented and suspicious whenever driving down smooth pavement, with many adding that they felt nostalgic for the “classic St. Pete driving experience” of swerving violently to avoid front-end damage.

“Citizens have spoken, and they demand more wheel-shattering authenticity in their commutes,” said Council Chair Deborah Lancaster, proudly unveiling a new Potholes for the People initiative. “We could waste taxpayer dollars filling in potholes, but why ignore the voices of our constituents when we could make them bigger, deeper, and more plentiful?”

The plan includes repurposing $14 million from road maintenance into a strategic pothole expansion program, which will employ local contractors to carefully dig, chisel, and occasionally dynamite fresh craters into major intersections. Officials say the program will not only boost civic pride, but also create hundreds of jobs for “pothole artisans.”

“Our streets should be an obstacle course that reflects the quirky, rugged spirit of St. Pete,” said City Transportation Director Carl Dunham, adding that GPS apps will soon include warnings like, “Turn left in 200 feet—if your suspension allows.”

Many residents applauded the decision. “I hit a pothole so big last week it reset the Bluetooth in my car, and honestly, that’s the kind of character this city needs,” said lifelong resident Maria Ortiz. “I don’t want to live in some bland place with safe roads and functional infrastructure. This is St. Pete, baby.”

Others expressed relief that the policy would finally put an end to costly and confusing road repairs. “Every time they filled one, it just felt wrong—like they were paving over our culture,” said Brian Hughes, a local business owner. “Now, when I lose a hubcap on Central Avenue, I’ll know it was intentional.”

To further meet demand, the council is considering a pilot program for seasonal sinkholes on scenic boulevards, as well as a partnership with local breweries to sponsor individual potholes with branded plaques. “If Tampa can have the Super Bowl, we can have the Super Hole,” said Lancaster. “It’s time St. Pete leads the nation in civic-minded asphalt destruction.”

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