With polls closing at 7 p.m. Tuesday, local officials reminded residents that the announcement of official primary election results will trigger the beginning of St. Petersburg's traditional 24-hour Facebook Purge, during which all normal standards of civility, perspective and knowing what you're talking about will be temporarily suspended.

The annual event is expected to begin moments after enough results are confirmed for someone to post, "Well, St. Pete, I hope you're happy."

From that point forward, residents will have exactly 24 hours to blame developers, transplants, voter turnout, special interests, the Tampa Bay Times, people from Tampa, people who moved here from New York, and anyone who arrived in St. Petersburg after whatever year they personally arrived.

"This is an important local tradition," said one election worker. "People vote, we count the ballots, and then several thousand residents who didn't attend a single candidate forum explain what the results reveal about the collapse of the city."

Officials stressed that the Purge cannot legally begin before election results are known.

Residents are therefore being asked to refrain from posting "THIS CITY IS BOUGHT AND PAID FOR" until at least one candidate has actually won something.

"We understand emotions are high," officials said. "But please wait for the results before announcing that democracy has failed."

Facebook groups throughout St. Petersburg have reportedly been preparing for weeks, with moderators stocking additional reaction GIFs and mentally preparing themselves to approve 47 nearly identical posts asking how "this was allowed to happen."

The first phase of the Purge is traditionally dominated by turnout analysis, during which residents who did not vote become briefly fascinated by the number of other residents who did not vote.

"Only 22% turnout?" one local man is expected to write from his couch. "People in this city simply don't care anymore."

Records will later confirm he forgot there was an election.

The second phase generally begins when supporters of losing candidates start identifying the sinister forces responsible for their defeat.

Depending on the race, these may include developers, landlords, homeowners, renters, downtown, the west side, the south side, old people, young people, PAC money, voter apathy, new residents, longtime residents, and "the machine," which everyone agrees exists despite nobody being entirely certain what it is.

"I've already got 'FOLLOW THE MONEY' typed out," said one resident. "I'm just waiting to find out whose money I'm following."

Longtime St. Pete residents will also be granted their annual opportunity to explain that the election would have turned out differently before everyone started moving here.

Exactly when everyone started moving here remains disputed.

For residents who arrived in 2019, it was 2021.

For residents who arrived in 2007, it was 2015.

For residents born at Bayfront, it was approximately 1888.

Meanwhile, supporters of winning candidates will be permitted to spend the first six hours posting variations of "THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN," before quietly abandoning that principle during the next election they lose.

City officials said the most dangerous period is expected between 8:30 and 11 p.m., when election results, alcohol and access to neighborhood Facebook groups are projected to reach peak concentration.

Residents are advised to avoid comment sections containing more than 75 replies, particularly those beginning with the seemingly harmless phrase, "Serious question."

Authorities also warned against engaging anyone whose comment begins, "I've lived in St. Pete for 37 years," as the statement is generally followed by a 600-word account of everything the city has done incorrectly since the closing of a restaurant nobody else remembers.

By midnight, experts expect the Purge to spread beyond election results entirely.

Arguments originally concerning City Council candidates are projected to expand into debates over bike lanes, Rays stadium plans, parking, density, flood insurance, Central Avenue, scooters, whether downtown was better 20 years ago, and why nobody knows how to use the left lane anymore.

"That's when you know the Purge has fully matured," said one local political observer. "Someone starts talking about a candidate and 14 comments later two retirees are threatening each other over the old Pier."

Facebook moderators said all neighborhood groups will remain open throughout the event, although several admitted they had already turned off notifications and told their families they were going camping.

Normal posting standards are scheduled to resume 24 hours after the official results are confirmed.

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