ST. PETERSBURG, FL — According to reports from baffled onlookers, local man Blake Merkle, 34, has no memory of how he became a vendor at the Saturday Morning Market but has reportedly been running a highly profitable artisanal jam stall for six consecutive weekends.

“I showed up to get an iced coffee, and now I’m here every Saturday at 6 a.m. boiling stone fruit,” said Merkle, gesturing toward a table cluttered with aggressively labeled jars including Spite Peach, Existential Raspberry, and Unmedicated Fig. “Someone asked what I was selling, and I panicked and said ‘jam.’ They clapped.”

Sources confirmed Merkle had no prior interest in food preservation, commerce, or social interaction, but now manages full-time production, logistics, and a growing regional brand presence. Despite multiple attempts to step away, he reportedly re-upped his vendor permit “just in case.”

“I’ve tried to stop. I took down the tent last week and a woman asked if she could Venmo me anyway,” Merkle said, refilling a crate marked Limited Batch – Divorce Guava. “I haven’t logged into my job’s VPN since June. My W-2 still says ‘IT Consultant,’ but spiritually, I’m a man who owns 600 Mason jars.”

At press time, Merkle was seen scribbling a new flavor idea — Burnout Blueberry — onto a piece of cardboard, whispering, “This one’s just for me.”

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