ST. PETERSBURG, FL — The City of St. Petersburg officially unveiled its new bayfront swing benches last week, offering residents and tourists alike a relaxing place to sit, sway, and contemplate how every moment of happiness slips away just as quickly as the tide.

Installed over the past month in Coffee Pot Park, Flora Wylie Park, North Straub Park, and Vinoy Park—where the unveiling ceremony was held—the swings were designed to maximize both scenic enjoyment and the crushing reminder that all things, including municipal furniture, are temporary.

“By placing these swings along the waterfront, we wanted to give visitors the chance to enjoy stunning views of the bay while gently rocking themselves into the realization that their youth, their ambitions, and eventually their bodies will erode just like the shoreline,” said City Parks Director Linda Moreno, smiling faintly before staring out at the water for a full 30 seconds of silence.

Mayor Ken Welch praised the benches as a cost-effective way to provide both comfort and existential dread. “Sure, you could just watch a sunset from anywhere in the city,” he said from Vinoy Park, pausing to push himself back and forth. “But only from one of these swings can you truly feel the duality of beauty and despair as you realize that sunset is also a metaphor for your life.”

Local residents have already begun flocking to the swings:

• At Coffee Pot Park, retiree Harold Simmons said he enjoyed “reflecting on the futility of a lifetime spent trying to organize my garage.”
• Over at Flora Wylie Park, newlyweds described the swings as “the perfect place to imagine the slow, inevitable unraveling of our relationship.”
• Meanwhile, at North Straub Park, a group of college students reported using the benches to “vibe, relax, and quietly panic about climate change.”

Tourism officials are leaning into the benches as St. Pete’s newest attraction, with brochures touting them as “The best seat in the city to confront your own impermanence.” Suggested itineraries encourage visitors to “start your morning coffee at Coffee Pot Park, then spiral into a full-blown existential crisis by sundown at Vinoy.”

The swings, constructed from sustainable wood, stainless steel, and the faint echoes of every bad decision you’ve ever made, cost the city $200,000. Officials noted they are expected to last at least 20 years, “which is more than you can say about yourself.”

At press time, several families were seen gently swaying in unison at Flora Wylie Park, softly whispering “Memento mori” as pelicans flew overhead.

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