St. Petersburg, FL — Take a whiff—something smells foul at the St.Pete Police Department this week after Rex, the city’s most celebrated narcotics K-9, tested positive for illegal substances.

Rex, a 6-year-old German Shepherd once hailed as “the powder hound of the Burg,” is now at the center of an internal investigation after routine bloodwork revealed elevated levels of “that white stuff, that pow pow, that devil's dandruff, that sweet molassy nose candy,” according to one sketchy officer, who wanted to remain anonymous.

“We don’t know how this could have happened,” said Chuck Cooper, Rex’s handler, speaking from the K-9 unit’s training yard.“Rex has been our go-to for years. He’s sniffed out more kilos than CharlieSheen.”

But Cooper began suspecting something was off when Rex started showing signs of uncharacteristic behavior.

“He used to bark when he found something,” Cooper said. “Now he doesn’t even alert me to the find. Yesterday he was kennelled in an air-conditioned room—and still looked like he just finished a 5-day bender. Glazed eyes. Dry lips. Wagging in jerky, jittery motions.” Cooper adds,‘Look at him. He’s probably high right now.”

The department has launched a full investigation, which reportedly includes urine and fecal testing for the rest of the K-9 unit, a re-evaluation of “treats” brought in by officers, and a blanket ban on Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead, as well as King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard, throughout the department.

Public reaction has been mixed. Some residents are expressing concern about the integrity of the department’s drug operations, while others are demanding leniency. “He’s still a good boy,” said OfficerCooper. “A good boy who got into the bag.”

Meanwhile, city officials are placing Rex on temporary administrative leave.

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