TALLAHASSEE, FL — In response to yet another round of double-digit property insurance hikes across Florida, state officials announced Monday that the best strategy for homeowners moving forward is simply to “manifest more affordable premiums through positive thinking.”

At a press briefing that ended with reporters blinking in disbelief, Deputy Insurance Commissioner Paul Denfrey told Floridians that “the universe responds to energy,” and that residents struggling to keep their homes insured should “focus on abundance, breathe deeply, and picture a world where your roof doesn’t cost more than your car.”

Denfrey then encouraged homeowners to “visualize a lower premium appearing in your mailbox, ideally without the part where your insurer abandons the state six weeks later.”

The announcement comes amid a historic insurance crisis that has left many Floridians either priced out of coverage or unable to find carriers willing to insure coastal property at all. But state officials insisted the situation was being “over-dramatically described by people who insist on living near water.”

“We’ve tried legislation, subsidies, and begging several national insurers to return our calls,” Denfrey said. “Now we’re trying the Law of Attraction. Frankly, it can’t do worse.”

Homeowners interviewed across Pinellas and Hillsborough counties appeared unconvinced.

“I manifested for my insurance bill to go down,” said St. Petersburg resident Lisa Weller, holding a renewal notice showing a 46 percent increase. “Instead I manifested a stress rash.”

Meanwhile, Tampa homeowner Joel Martinez said he attempted three separate “prosperity meditation sessions,” only to receive an email from his insurer announcing it was leaving Florida entirely.

“I literally chanted ‘I am financially safe’ for twenty minutes,” Martinez said. “Then I got a notice telling me to find a new carrier because mine evaporated into a puff of smoke. The timing was incredible.”

In a follow-up release, state officials recommended homeowners also create “vision boards” featuring smiling insurance agents, stable mortgage payments, and pictures of roofs that don’t need hurricane straps.

“Pin these somewhere you can see every morning,” the release said. “Some people like to put them next to their coffee maker, or next to the window they’ll soon have to board up without coverage.”

At press time, the state’s official website was updated with a new tagline: “Florida: Believe Hard Enough And Your House Might Still Be Insurable.”

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