TREASURE ISLAND, FL — Admitting that “things have been running weird lately,” Treasure Island officials announced Monday they’ll take advantage of the federal government shutdown to completely reboot the city in hopes of clearing out years of bureaucratic bugs, mysterious pop-ups, and questionable attachments.

“We’ve been lagging for months,” said the mayor, as city staff unplugged a beige surge protector labeled CITY HALL – DO NOT TOUCH. “We’re just going to shut Treasure Island down, wait thirty seconds, and hope it comes back cleaner. Ideally without all the weird programs running in the background.”

The reboot will reportedly include closing City Hall, resetting all email passwords, reformatting the permit system, and disabling “certain extracurricular communication apps.” IT staff say it’s a simple process — though last time they tried, the system froze halfway and started printing 400 building permits for the same beachfront lot.

While officials declined to specify which “corruption files” might be deleted in the reboot, residents say they have a few guesses. “If the city reopens and my water bill’s normal, I’ll consider it a success,” said resident Dave King. “If a few commissioners mysteriously vanish from the taskbar, that’s just an unexpected benefit.”

Critics worry the reboot could have unintended side effects.“If this thing restarts in safe mode, we’re doomed.”

At press time, the reboot had reached 64% before stalling indefinitely, prompting the mayor to announce that Treasure Island would now attempt to “manually reboot democracy tomorrow morning.”

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